Ladies of War
Dec. 21st, 2014 12:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
feredarStory: Ladies of War
Year: 943 FY, 953 FY, 970 FY, 975 FY, 980 FY, 983 FY, 988 FY, 989 FY, 990 FY, 993 FY, 1014 FY
Characters: Nida, Deva, Sola, Keta, Tana
Warnings: War, murder, torture, genocide (and active participation in it), espionage, Tana, references to character/familial death including a young child, one-sided incestuous fantasizing. If I missed any, please let me know.
1. I grew up quick and I grew up mean
Nida
943 FY
I was raised to be a spy. From the time that my now-husband became King, I was prepared, groomed, and very carefully taught--how to seduce, how to murder, how to separate myself from my mission.
I'm starting to think that that last one might not have taken. And that frightens me, because how can I do what I must if I can't...if I can't...
There is no one I can ask. If I try, I'll be cut down, one way or the other.
Whatever I do, with my marriage, with my mission, I must decide it on my own.
2. it can get you into trouble but it can't get you out
Tana
1014 FY
Sometimes, I wonder now that I'm not as wild as I used to be.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we'd won--if the city had held, if Andrell, not Kellom, had died, if, if, if...
Sometimes, I wonder what I would have done when there were no more freaks to butcher.
Sometimes, I wonder if I would be happier in that world, the one that I helped build, the one that I murdered for--oh, so many times.
The truth is, though, sometimes I don't wonder. Sometimes I know.
It's just that the answer I know keeps changing.
3. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Tana
988 FY
I killed a freak today.
I hoped and prayed and begged and begged to be allowed, and Kellom finally let me and...I killed a freak today.
It wasn't quite what I expected.
Oh, it was fun, to cut it up and see the blood. Fun like how I imagine sex must be (if Kellom won't have me, I won't have anyone, so I don't really know).
But...freaks look like people. And there was a moment--a strange, sick little moment--where I felt like I was killing a man.
I don't really know how to feel about that.
4. up front there oughta be a man in black
Keta
993 FY
There are supposed to be rules, for what's right and wrong. Too often, in my life, I've seen people overstep--mostly in ways my closer brothers did, obvious and extravagant, bloody and debauched.
There are supposed to be rules--boundaries kept intact for the greater good, for the safety of everyone. And, for all the hue and cry, the way my youngest brother is transgressing today is much, much subtler and, in its way, more insidious.
I'm afraid of backlash. I'm afraid of what my brothers have done--what all of my brothers have done.
I wish my father were alive.
5. God's gonna cut you down
Tana
989 FY
I'm just...so...angry.
Angry at the rioters, angry at the freaks I get to kill, angry at my sister-in-law, angry at my actual sisters, angry at Mamma and Daddy for not setting this up right for Kellom.
I'm not angry at him, though. He's doing everything right, it's just everyone else that's going wrong.
I'm angry at my other brothers. Evil traitors both of them I wish I could kill them, too.
Mamma would say I should respect principles, at least for Andrell, but I won't.
I don't have to when they're wrong.
6. I never thought I needed help before
Deva
980 FY
I don't want to be losing faith.
But, oh, gods forgive me, I am, and it hurts and I have no idea how to make it stop.
I believe that my Cause is true and it is just and I will lie, cheat, steal--I will murder, and I believe my Cause makes it right.
But...
Mother is dead. Mother is dead and the way she died is wrong and I know the background that goes into it, I swear I do but all I can think is why the hell am I doing this when my mother is dead.
7. yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
Sola
988 FY
I love my brother, but...I'm certain that Kellom's reign will be brief and chaotic.
I know how to read the currents running around the court. I know how to identify factions even when they haven't formed properly. I'm not a soldier, but a courtier, which is...something rather more devious.
But I read the currents in my brother's court, and I see the Movement faction growing stronger, and I just...
It breaks my heart, but I can't save him. All I can do is smooth things over just enough that he doesn't bring our entire nation down with him.
8. I set off running to wake from the dream
Keta
989 FY
When I learned that my favorite brother was dead, I remembered why I vastly prefer history to anything going on outside my Archives.
Because history is already set. The wars have been won and lost, the people have died and been grieved and then those who mourned them died in their turn.
All there is outside my shelves, my boundaries, is chaos and death, and I know why he does it, but Kellom is making it happen.
And Kellom killed Mellir.
And I just...
I wish our war were over already, so I didn't have to live through the horror.
9. did you know how much I love you?
Nida
953 FY
I made my choice. It is now irrevocable.
And I don't...I don't regret it, per se, but I know that I sacrificed something. Something big, and important, and greater than myself. And I know that makes me selfish, and perhaps cruel, but, the truth of it is, I never was very good at the soldiering parts.
I'm so much better as a spy.
So I will do what I can, and never abandon my Cause, but I have found my limits. And maybe that...maybe that is what makes it all right, this irrevocable choice that I made.
10. because you're mine, I walk the line
Nida
975 FY
It isn't just Sorell, though I'm sure that if History ever learns what I am, they will try to say it.
Granted, he is a lot of it, and I would probably have gone through with the original plan if not for him, but he's not all of it.
I have children. And if I had followed the grand plan, the whole story built around inserting me into my husband's bed...
I don't like to think about what might have happened to them.
I find that I don't regret my middle road nearly as much as I used to.
11. how I kept my mind is a wonder
Deva
988 FY
My brother reigns, my brother murders, my city is under siege.
When put like that, it's a miracle I'm still alive, let alone able to contribute.
Because I do still contribute. So does Mera, and Andrell where he can. There are others, there are always others.
Most of them, I don't know their names. For safety, we hide ourselves and speak in code. Especially these days, in my brother's court.
Every day, I expect someone to come to my door and arrest me.
Every night, I go to sleep a free woman, and brace myself to fight another day.
12. I've been everywhere, man
Sola
993 FY
It's so wonderful to be able to smooth the waters for something joyful, for once.
I can see the expanding horizons of our people, of our future. We're out of the hole that Kellom dug for us at last.
And as I flit from faction to faction, I realize something--it's not the promise of this marriage, it's not the expanding horizons, it's that my baby brother's bride has made politics fun again. Not that the stakes are any lower, but, somehow...a deadly wedding feels different from a deadly war.
I am, for the first time in years, happy.
13. everybody won't be treated all the same
Sola
970 FY
Life isn't fair.
It never has been, and it never will be, no matter how hard Deva and Mamma and her sisters, and all the rest of the idealists in the Movement feel.
Making it worse won't solve anything.
Sooner or later, there will always be backlash, no matter what steps are taken to contain it, and that's what Papa and Kellom and so many others refuse to see.
I feel like I'm the only one who actually accepts those two fundamental truths to human nature, and tries to limit the damage as much as I can between them.
14. there's things that never will be right
Keta
983 FY
Somehow, my husband and son, dying accidentally, hurts more than Mamma dying, casualty of a secret war.
How can I say something like that? How can I decide how losing one person I love is better or worse than losing another?
But it's true. Especially since--and this is even more horrible--I know Mamma's politics. I know she chose her war, and even if she had withdrawn from it...
My son was thirteen. My husband did nothing to the river, or the boat, or anyone.
I can't shake this feeling, and I can't stop hating myself for having it.
15. I fell into a burning ring of fire
Deva
990 FY
It feels a little bit like the world has ended.
I know it hasn't, of course. Rather the opposite. We won. We achieved more or less everything we set out to achieve.
And yet...
I find myself asking, as I have devoted my entire life to a Cause, when every decision--since I was old enough to make decisions, at least--was informed by it...what do I do, exactly, now that it's done?
I have no pattern, no plans, no...anything, for the new world that I helped to create.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.
Year: 943 FY, 953 FY, 970 FY, 975 FY, 980 FY, 983 FY, 988 FY, 989 FY, 990 FY, 993 FY, 1014 FY
Characters: Nida, Deva, Sola, Keta, Tana
Warnings: War, murder, torture, genocide (and active participation in it), espionage, Tana, references to character/familial death including a young child, one-sided incestuous fantasizing. If I missed any, please let me know.
1. I grew up quick and I grew up mean
Nida
943 FY
I was raised to be a spy. From the time that my now-husband became King, I was prepared, groomed, and very carefully taught--how to seduce, how to murder, how to separate myself from my mission.
I'm starting to think that that last one might not have taken. And that frightens me, because how can I do what I must if I can't...if I can't...
There is no one I can ask. If I try, I'll be cut down, one way or the other.
Whatever I do, with my marriage, with my mission, I must decide it on my own.
2. it can get you into trouble but it can't get you out
Tana
1014 FY
Sometimes, I wonder now that I'm not as wild as I used to be.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we'd won--if the city had held, if Andrell, not Kellom, had died, if, if, if...
Sometimes, I wonder what I would have done when there were no more freaks to butcher.
Sometimes, I wonder if I would be happier in that world, the one that I helped build, the one that I murdered for--oh, so many times.
The truth is, though, sometimes I don't wonder. Sometimes I know.
It's just that the answer I know keeps changing.
3. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Tana
988 FY
I killed a freak today.
I hoped and prayed and begged and begged to be allowed, and Kellom finally let me and...I killed a freak today.
It wasn't quite what I expected.
Oh, it was fun, to cut it up and see the blood. Fun like how I imagine sex must be (if Kellom won't have me, I won't have anyone, so I don't really know).
But...freaks look like people. And there was a moment--a strange, sick little moment--where I felt like I was killing a man.
I don't really know how to feel about that.
4. up front there oughta be a man in black
Keta
993 FY
There are supposed to be rules, for what's right and wrong. Too often, in my life, I've seen people overstep--mostly in ways my closer brothers did, obvious and extravagant, bloody and debauched.
There are supposed to be rules--boundaries kept intact for the greater good, for the safety of everyone. And, for all the hue and cry, the way my youngest brother is transgressing today is much, much subtler and, in its way, more insidious.
I'm afraid of backlash. I'm afraid of what my brothers have done--what all of my brothers have done.
I wish my father were alive.
5. God's gonna cut you down
Tana
989 FY
I'm just...so...angry.
Angry at the rioters, angry at the freaks I get to kill, angry at my sister-in-law, angry at my actual sisters, angry at Mamma and Daddy for not setting this up right for Kellom.
I'm not angry at him, though. He's doing everything right, it's just everyone else that's going wrong.
I'm angry at my other brothers. Evil traitors both of them I wish I could kill them, too.
Mamma would say I should respect principles, at least for Andrell, but I won't.
I don't have to when they're wrong.
6. I never thought I needed help before
Deva
980 FY
I don't want to be losing faith.
But, oh, gods forgive me, I am, and it hurts and I have no idea how to make it stop.
I believe that my Cause is true and it is just and I will lie, cheat, steal--I will murder, and I believe my Cause makes it right.
But...
Mother is dead. Mother is dead and the way she died is wrong and I know the background that goes into it, I swear I do but all I can think is why the hell am I doing this when my mother is dead.
7. yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
Sola
988 FY
I love my brother, but...I'm certain that Kellom's reign will be brief and chaotic.
I know how to read the currents running around the court. I know how to identify factions even when they haven't formed properly. I'm not a soldier, but a courtier, which is...something rather more devious.
But I read the currents in my brother's court, and I see the Movement faction growing stronger, and I just...
It breaks my heart, but I can't save him. All I can do is smooth things over just enough that he doesn't bring our entire nation down with him.
8. I set off running to wake from the dream
Keta
989 FY
When I learned that my favorite brother was dead, I remembered why I vastly prefer history to anything going on outside my Archives.
Because history is already set. The wars have been won and lost, the people have died and been grieved and then those who mourned them died in their turn.
All there is outside my shelves, my boundaries, is chaos and death, and I know why he does it, but Kellom is making it happen.
And Kellom killed Mellir.
And I just...
I wish our war were over already, so I didn't have to live through the horror.
9. did you know how much I love you?
Nida
953 FY
I made my choice. It is now irrevocable.
And I don't...I don't regret it, per se, but I know that I sacrificed something. Something big, and important, and greater than myself. And I know that makes me selfish, and perhaps cruel, but, the truth of it is, I never was very good at the soldiering parts.
I'm so much better as a spy.
So I will do what I can, and never abandon my Cause, but I have found my limits. And maybe that...maybe that is what makes it all right, this irrevocable choice that I made.
10. because you're mine, I walk the line
Nida
975 FY
It isn't just Sorell, though I'm sure that if History ever learns what I am, they will try to say it.
Granted, he is a lot of it, and I would probably have gone through with the original plan if not for him, but he's not all of it.
I have children. And if I had followed the grand plan, the whole story built around inserting me into my husband's bed...
I don't like to think about what might have happened to them.
I find that I don't regret my middle road nearly as much as I used to.
11. how I kept my mind is a wonder
Deva
988 FY
My brother reigns, my brother murders, my city is under siege.
When put like that, it's a miracle I'm still alive, let alone able to contribute.
Because I do still contribute. So does Mera, and Andrell where he can. There are others, there are always others.
Most of them, I don't know their names. For safety, we hide ourselves and speak in code. Especially these days, in my brother's court.
Every day, I expect someone to come to my door and arrest me.
Every night, I go to sleep a free woman, and brace myself to fight another day.
12. I've been everywhere, man
Sola
993 FY
It's so wonderful to be able to smooth the waters for something joyful, for once.
I can see the expanding horizons of our people, of our future. We're out of the hole that Kellom dug for us at last.
And as I flit from faction to faction, I realize something--it's not the promise of this marriage, it's not the expanding horizons, it's that my baby brother's bride has made politics fun again. Not that the stakes are any lower, but, somehow...a deadly wedding feels different from a deadly war.
I am, for the first time in years, happy.
13. everybody won't be treated all the same
Sola
970 FY
Life isn't fair.
It never has been, and it never will be, no matter how hard Deva and Mamma and her sisters, and all the rest of the idealists in the Movement feel.
Making it worse won't solve anything.
Sooner or later, there will always be backlash, no matter what steps are taken to contain it, and that's what Papa and Kellom and so many others refuse to see.
I feel like I'm the only one who actually accepts those two fundamental truths to human nature, and tries to limit the damage as much as I can between them.
14. there's things that never will be right
Keta
983 FY
Somehow, my husband and son, dying accidentally, hurts more than Mamma dying, casualty of a secret war.
How can I say something like that? How can I decide how losing one person I love is better or worse than losing another?
But it's true. Especially since--and this is even more horrible--I know Mamma's politics. I know she chose her war, and even if she had withdrawn from it...
My son was thirteen. My husband did nothing to the river, or the boat, or anyone.
I can't shake this feeling, and I can't stop hating myself for having it.
15. I fell into a burning ring of fire
Deva
990 FY
It feels a little bit like the world has ended.
I know it hasn't, of course. Rather the opposite. We won. We achieved more or less everything we set out to achieve.
And yet...
I find myself asking, as I have devoted my entire life to a Cause, when every decision--since I was old enough to make decisions, at least--was informed by it...what do I do, exactly, now that it's done?
I have no pattern, no plans, no...anything, for the new world that I helped to create.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.